I talk about all my issues in life like any other day's daily conversation, but when it comes to my mom. abandoning. me, I just freeze. I slowly start to emotionally just shut down. I try hard, HARDER than usual to detach but I ain't gon lie, the pain injects straight to the core of my heart. The pain comes at a different strength than my other issues. At that rekindling moment of victimization, I suddenly shrink to "helpless 12 yr old Esther" and it's real easy to just lose it. Lose myself. The injection of pain is like a drug that paralyzes my mental and physical state. The high of the pain shoots straight in. I start to cry and get frantic- making me into a whole different person. This pain messes with me. A person risks the possibility of an addiction by the first injection, snort, pill or inhaling of any kind of drug. At every thought of my Mother, I can't help myself to this addiction that comes from the pain. I tried, time & time again to quit this pain- cold turkey, ask any addict.. it ain't as easy as it sounds. My therapy sessions are my rehab to detox off "the pain"-> aka the drug. So that one day just as a drug addict would be able to function soberly; I, too, can function in a healthy way without this crippling pain creeping up to haunt me at the very thought of my mother, who 24 years ago brought me into this world... I'm not quite there yet but very close!
"Reliving the past is overrated and only makes it harder to move on"
-Live Productively
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