Here Goes Nothing

i'm slowly coming to see that not everything in life makes sense..

and that it's okay..

it's an overwhelming concept. but so beautiful at the same time.

am i the only one who feels this way? i've been in denial for so long but i'll admit it, i'm a control freak! i've always grown up with the mentality that everything has to be under my control. people have to be the way i want them to be in my mind. things have to work out in my timing. this is why i always have such a hard time in relationships, friendships and accepting the concept of grace. growing up being raised by my father, i can't help but to have unconsciously picked up habits, patterns and traits from him. i'm tired of being the person that i so wish not to be like. it takes A lot of work breaking out of this mold that i grew up in. i have to force myself to see myself, this mold that i am and decide for myself that i don't want to be like this anymore. it's not as easy as it sounds. change happens one word, act, thought, gesture, motive, at a time. for me not to continue on in these harmful traits, change must happen at the core of who i am.

It's a big leap! It's kind of like comparing this leap to taking a jump off of a cliff and into the crashing waves beneath. You know you're scared to death at the thought of what could go wrong. Will you make it out alive? The fear is mainly at the thought of taking that jump. The rest is just unpredictable. The closer you step towards the ledge the more doubt starts creeping in begging you with mercy not to take that leap. Your heart starts racing so fast it's about to pounce out of your chest. You start breathing faster at the thought of jumping. But there's this moment where you just decide to throw everything off the ledge, along with your body! You say, "Here goes Nothing!" and you take that leap of faith and jump. Adrenaline rush, yes. Going against your fears, yes. Totally worth it? heck YEAH! (altho in real life, i don't know if i could actually jump.. i'd like to think that this kind of a leap is greater than the actually leap itself? but that's just me..)

so often i question if it was my parents sin or my sin that my life was and is the way that it is. one story that I can totally relate to is with the man born blind described in John 9. Scripture reads, "His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?' 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John9:2,3) Growing up I always just knew that God had my back. I knew that everything I went through had a purpose. Well going through the traumatic events at the time was no fun but through God's grace I came out alive! and with purpose! and in victory! with the assurance that I am a new person now, I don't have to fall prey by being a victim of my past any more because my past is part of me but it's not me. I know that the person I was in the past, someone like my dad and the old man still creeps around inside me and when triggered she leaks out. But it's a daily battle. while I'm still human and until the day I am perfected in the light of God's glory, I form my mind and heart to submit unto Christ, being like Jesus on a daily basis. slowly i'm coming to see that not everything will always make sense. and that it's okay that I don't understand because I trust God. His peace, that surpasses my limited understand, is so much more than enough to sustain me with boldness to take that leap of faith into healing and making it out alive to tell about it, "so that the work of God might be displayed in my life" HERE GOES NOTHING! whoo hoo! *JUMP!*

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus"

-Philippians 4:7

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He brings Times of Refreshing

Well I thank you Lord that You are my Savior

You’re my strength and you’re the rock on which I stand

You give me life and a grace that’s greater

When I humble myself beneath your mighty hand

You bring times of refreshing

You bring times of refreshing

You bring times of refreshing to my soul

When I’m weary from the fight and trying to do what’s right

You bring times of refreshing to my soul

For the day will come when we’ll all be gathered

And the sun will rise with healing in it’s wings

And all the years of pain won’t seem to matter

When our eyes behold our teacher and our King

-Live Productively

You Learn

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn’t mean possession
and company doesn’t mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn…

Veronica A. Shoffstall

-Live Productively

A Happy Sunday

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the simple things

i am bursting with happiness today!

today i will celebrate life because of the simple things that bring me joy:

God's love shown in the form of friends near and far, food in the fridge, happy news, a heart that is capable to love, a life that is able to be shared, dreams that are forming, a cheerful heart, a peaceful mind, cupcakes, the perfect outfit, finishing a good book, afternoon naps, enjoying life being this easy & finding the simplest ways to express how truly happy i am...

-Live Productively

-Live Productively

The Source

Let me start off by telling a story:

" A particular town was known for its health, for the beauty of its gardens, and for the freshness of the many ponds and streams that flowed through its parks.

In this town there was one peculiar character, an old man. He would disappear for hours, heading off into the forest and up into the hills or into one of the parks. One morning the local constable found the old man dead. News of his death spread quickly throughout the town, but there were few who cared or really stopped to think about the passing of the old man.

The next summer, the town's people began to notice something odd. There was a bit of an odor in the air, the streams did not run quite as full, and the ponds and lakes began to grow much more algae. They could not recall this ever happening before. Another summer came, and the streams turned to a trickle, the ponds and lakes grew muddy and green, and the park gardens no longer bloomed. Sadness crept over this once lovely old town.

It was during this summer that a young lad of 15 began to wander in the hills surrounding the town. He remembered the old man he used to follow occasionally into the forests. He sought out the trail that the old man used to take. It had become overgrown with grasses and thistles in the two summers since the old man had died. Following the trail, though, the boy found an amazing maze of marshlands, streams, ponds, and springs that fed the streams. He also found that now the water outlets were blocked with leaves and debris.

The young boy trampled through and began to clear away debris that had piled up. The water began to flow. As he worked, he began to think about the old man. Is this where he went sometimes for days at a time? Was it his death that caused the change in the town?

No one knew exactly when the town began to come back to life, but some time during the summer, the streams and rivers began to flow more swiftly and purely. The boy knew that the old man had faithfully tended the secret source of the town's health. And now he knew his calling; he knew his task. This secret place was the "wellspring of life" for his town, and now it was his duty to care for it."

DEVOTION: It is the desire of Jesus to be the source of life in us from which all life flows. But the condition of our outward life- the part that everyone sees- is influenced by the condition of our hearts. There are a few types of "debris" that can block our hearts.

UNFORGIVENESS: dams up the human heart and blocks the flow of life.

DISRESPECT: hinders our prayers, shatters the spirit, and closes our understanding to the needs of others.

UNCONFESSED SIN: breeds fear and darkness.

DARKNESS: fosters secrets, binds freedom, and robs confidence.

If this spiritual debris is neglected and allowed to clog up our hearts, we become hardened and dry. The Spirit of God is not able to truly flow through us. Not only do we become stagnant, but our stagnation affects growth in those closest to us. The only solution is to clean out the clogs and keep the passageways clear. God shows us the way, but it is up to us to do the work.

This story as well as the devotional led me through a time of examining my heart. I had to really check my own motives; asking myself if I'm happy, content and joyful because of what I do? Like the other day I was hanging out with my baby brothers and I came to realize at that moment that I was purely happy. I had realized that there are times like when I'm talking to my brothers and they say things that just blow me away, or when I'm baking and find the joy at giving unselfishly to those who will eat my cookies, or when I'm having a chat with someone who just gets me! they understand what I'm speaking from the depths of my heart and they embrace my words and me through their love in return. Then I came to realize that if I were to place the source of my happiness, contentment and joy in my brothers, baking or people, then i'll never find happiness, contentment and joy only because these things are just that.. temporary happiness and joys.

And then it just clicked. If I am to find true happiness, true joy and true contentment then I need to go to the SOURCE of everything, God! Through seeing who I really am in the light of Christ allows me to see myself for who I really am. I am no longer broken, I'm made whole. I'm no longer lingering in the sins of my past, I'm forgiven. I'm no longer walking in darkness where I hide behind my mask of fears, but I'm made anew in His light and truth takes me captive in His love where there is no room to fear. I'm so much more whole, so much more content and so very loved! I'm captivated daily by His beauty. And I can confidently say that because of His love for me, that I don't deserve, but he looks past the outward me and sees the inner me, my heart and still loves me! This love gives so much more than anything and anyone could ever give. And it's only because of His love for me that I'm able to love in ways that I was never able to love before, in a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of a way: patiently, kindly, humbly, respectfully, never rude, always considerate, thoughtfully, not keeping any records of wrongs, not delighting in evil but rejoicing in the truth, protecting, trusting, persevering, hoping, faithfully and most importantly.. lovingly~ And because of The Source, I'm truly blessed.

"Above all else, guard your heart,

for it is the wellspring of life"

-Proverbs 4:23

-Live Productively

The Rich & The Famous

isn't always as it's cut out to be. we think that if we have all the money in the world, we'd find happiness and contentment. but what is contentment? it's being satisfied but if someone is searching for something to fill that void within then i don't think they'll ever find contentment in this world of things.. because i've come to thoroughly see that in the end, things are just things. one can have all the nice things in this world but technically it's just nice things that rust and get old..

there's a story about a pastor who was supposed to speak at a funeral for a church member who had passed. this pastor tho didn't have a suit to wear and so the funeral home had a couple extra which they use for the corpses. the pastor tried one on and it fit perfectly. while he was reaching in at the pockets they were sewn shut. the pastor looked puzzled at why the pockets were sewn shut and the funeral worker said, "when we leave we can't take anything with us so what's the use of pockets?"

i was referred by a couple that ive been occasionally babysitting for for the past couple of years. they referred me to a friend of theirs who just came from korea. this lady and her friends live the "big ballin" kind of life. they were gracious to me & took me out to dinner last night to get me introduced to her daughter. these people know all kinds of people, Miss Korea, renown directors, actors, people who drive lamborginis.. and sitting amongst these people made me all the more humble at how thankful I am to have a life like i do. leaving their house last night made me come to think of what i do have, altho it may not be much to them, but to me it's just enough. i know for some who see people who have it all, in the worldly sense, would be jealous and envious that they do not have these things. And for some, they would have been that much more motivated to obtain this kind of lifestyle. but i realized for me, it really humbled me at how i never want to become rich. to have and think that i did it on my own terms when it was really God who gives. it reminded me that a person is not a person based on status, what kind of car they drive and how much money they have. a person is so much more than that. and how many times does Jesus remind us in the bible NOT to base judgment and favoritism on just THAT... THINGS. so whether we drive lamborgini's, stay at the best ritz carlton suites, eat high quality food, etc.. that in the end, we're all the same... humans. And in need of a savior who provides so much more than just.. "things"

-Live Productively