After a While

Is it worth taking the risk?

I think so..

We wish you a Merry Christmas!

Christmas this year, well the holiday season this year was spent together. Every year I become hesitant when it comes around to holiday time because I'd fall into the holiday depression. But this year because I had company it wasn't so bad and I was actually more happy than ever and the season flew right by I had no time to even think about anything else other than spending it with my love and getting gifts for everyone! So with that, and a Merry belated Christmas wish from us! We love you all!

Love,
Mollie and Me!

(mollie is my dog, she's been such a loyal companion to me. Thank God for her and for him, too ;P )

A Soul Mate

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. 
But a true soul mate is a mirror, 
the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, 
the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, 
because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. 
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, 
tear apart your ego a little bit, 
show you your obstacles and addictions, 
break your heart open so new light can get in, 
make you so out of control that you have to transform your life…

-Elizabeth Gilbert

A Prayer Request

I asked for strength that I might achieve
He made me weak that I might obey

I asked for health that I might do great things
instead He gave me grace that I might do better things

I asked for riches that I might be happy
He gave me poverty that I might be wise

I asked for power that I might have the praise of others
instead God gave me weakness that I might feel the need of God

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life
He gave me LIFE that I might enjoy ALL things

I received nothing that I asked for 
He gave me ALL that I had hoped for

My prayers were answered and I am.. BLESSED

Masks

Please don't just pass me by..

Pruning

We have a lot of plants and flowers in our office. Sometimes Dr and I go around with our scissors and start clipping off the dead stems. The pieces of leaves that have withered and dried up. We save the living branches and cut off the dead.

I think God is a lot like that with me. He keeps what's alive but prunes me, clips off the dead pieces within me and keeps me healthy and strong. Even when it hurts to be pruned, it's still for my benefit.

Inside my bubble I call my world...

With the more time I spend inside my own cave, the more I become accustomed to the quietness of my soul and life. The once chaotic upheaval of what I called my life has now calmed itself of worries and doubts only to remain at peace inside and out. And I like it. I'm enjoying the quietness of my soul more and more. No need for me to impress or try to impersonate someone that I'm not or trying to live a life that's not my own. And to me, that is success.

"I don't know the key to success
But the key to failure is
Trying to please everyone."

The Giving Tree

Once there was a tree....
and she loved a little boy.
And everyday the boy would come
and he would gather her leaves
and make them into crowns
and play king of the forest.
He would climb up her trunk
and swing from her branches
and eat apples.
And they would play hide-and-go-seek.
And when he was tired,
he would sleep in her shade.
And the boy loved the tree....
very much.
And the tree was happy.
But time went by.
And the boy grew older.
And the tree was often alone.
Then one day the boy came to the tree
and the tree said, "Come, Boy, come and
climb up my trunk and swing from my
branches and eat apples and play in my
shade and be happy."
"I am too big to climb and play" said
the boy.
"I want to buy things and have fun.
I want some money?"
"I'm sorry," said the tree, "but I
have no money.
I have only leaves and apples.
Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in
the city. Then you will have money and
you will be happy."
And so the boy climbed up the
tree and gathered her apples
and carried them away.
And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time....
and the tree was sad.
And then one day the boy came back
and the tree shook with joy
and she said, "Come, Boy, climb up my trunk
and swing from my branches and be happy."
"I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy.
"I want a house to keep me warm," he said.
"I want a wife and I want children,
and so I need a house.
Can you give me a house ?"
" I have no house," said the tree.
"The forest is my house,
but you may cut off
my branches and build a
house. Then you will be happy."

And so the boy cut off her branches
and carried them away
to build his house.
And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time.
And when he came back,
the tree was so happy
she could hardly speak.
"Come, Boy," she whispered,
"come and play."
"I am too old and sad to play,"
said the boy.
"I want a boat that will
take me far away from here.
Can you give me a boat?"
"Cut down my trunk
and make a boat," said the tree.
"Then you can sail away...
and be happy."
And so the boy cut down her trunk
and made a boat and sailed away.
And the tree was happy
... but not really.

And after a long time
the boy came back again.
"I am sorry, Boy,"
said the tree," but I have nothing
left to give you -
My apples are gone."
"My teeth are too weak
for apples," said the boy.
"My branches are gone,"
said the tree. " You
cannot swing on them - "
"I am too old to swing
on branches," said the boy.
"My trunk is gone, " said the tree.
"You cannot climb - "
"I am too tired to climb" said the boy.
"I am sorry," sighed the tree.
"I wish that I could give you something....
but I have nothing left.
I am just an old stump.
I am sorry...."
"I don't need very much now," said the boy.
"just a quiet place to sit and rest.
I am very tired."
"Well," said the tree, straightening
herself up as much as she could,
"well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting
Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."
And the boy did.
And the tree was happy.

Picture

Why do I even bother looking back?

I think it only messes me up.
Why do I even care to care what my pasts are doing with their present.
Their present has nothing to do with mine.
And we are only strangers again.
Whether they are good or bad,
Dead or Alive, I'm just happy
We once were but no longer are.
And that's the par we've placed on one another.
My future has yet to come meet me
And my present is no where near where I want to be.
He just is, I just am. We just are.

Past, Present and Future.

Don't bother looking back.
You might miss something great
In that brief second
Of lookin back.
And plus,
It only hurts ... Your neck.

Very much at peace with myself

Though the world around me seems to be in utter chaos, my heart and my spirit within remains calm.. It's been a long time coming for me to reach where I am now. I don't know if it's from the years that's passed or if I can say that it's from life experiences? Maybe a collaboration of both brings me to a place of perfect harmony. Although I am not exactly where I imagined myself to be at 27years old. But then again, I never really pondered deeply about where I wanted to be at 27.... I just know that in my former years, being married at this time was the only life goal I really imagined for myself. But being where I am now and seeing my close beloved ones married, divorced, having kids, going thru the stages of life .. I'm coming to see that marriage is just not for me quite yet and I'm okay with that. I guess being raised in such a conservative Korean cultured church led me into thinking that-- life is the same for everyone and that if you believe in God and have complete faith in Him, everything will work out... Was I surprised when all that didn't come to be fulfilled in my life. I mean, I believe in God whole heartedly but is it my lack of faith that I wasn't raised like the normal Korean family or that I didn't have everything provided for me as I was growing up? Did I lack in my belief in God? I think not! In John 9.. It talks about a Man who was born blind. Jesus' disciples end up asking him if it was, "this man or his parents who sinned, that he was born blind?" (vs2). But Jesus answers back by saying that it was, "neither this man nor his parents who sinned but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him." I think this story stuck with me after last weeks sermon topic at Living Way regarding prayer. And I refer back to it because I don't think everyone is born the same. I don't think everyone has got what our society has called the norms. I think some are greatly blessed and I think that some people must work a little harder to keep on par. But it's both okay because God is the one who sees all and provides for all. So, in truth, we are all on par under the Lord and reign of Jesus Christ. And because at the cross were all sinners and saved by His grace, I'm all the more thankful and at peace with myself because I have not much that I lack because he had fulfilled within me what the world can never have me achieve.

Cave Moments

Never really understood why I'd always revert back into my cave after coming out from it by being so lonely. Then I spend my days mingling and being jolly with others to only revert back into cave moments.

This place is my sanctuary. I dwell my thoughts, ease my mind and calm a raging spirit. It comes spontaneously but sporadically. When I've lost, been taken away or inadequately matured from a previous lesson then I come back and regain the composure to play the same tune of life once again, hoping that the second time around would sound more in harmony than the first.

This time I'm different. I no longer feel the need to apologize for my disappearance or the need to feel ashamed that I'm not like the crowd. I embrace that I'm a bit odd and can become somewhat mentally unaware of reality. So I come into my cave to regain my composure and to decide on how I can go about the circumstances from here on out?

As of yet, I'm still caved in. Let me have a moment.

Continuing on

So let's see.. It's been about a good time span since the last time I've printed anything on this blog. Was thinking of creating a new one just to restart from where I am now but I've convinced myself that it's probably best to continue on from where I've left off.

So as of yet, most things have been same old' except my age. Everything seems to stay the same except my age and the boys that roam thru my life. My brothers are growing up so fast. My dads settle down into his old age, altho I'm coming to believe he may be going thru a life crisis. Wouldn't be surprised if he ends up rockin a tattoo in a Harley Davidson with a leather jacket. Haha. Lately he's been saying how much he wants to try bungee jumping, started a praise band at his church and is spending more quality time with me on the weekly. So It's almost like he's been embracing the lost time which has passed yet he's new and improved in the way he's even approaching life. It's respectable.

I'd like to think I've grown in that time span that's lapsed since my last serious post. I have to admit though, that the reason I've stopped writing all together, on my blog, notes, journals is because of my fear of facing my emotions, the feelings so buried deep within that so embarks me when the storm has calmed. Lately, I've been finding myself seeing a reflection of who I am thru the people I've been meeting. There's this one friend who has been a mirror for me to see how I am, by the things I say, and the actions that I portray. It's been heart wrenching but at the same time a revolutionary moment. Things I've always known and things I've never known about myself. I'm always down to improve and become a better version of myself than the version of who I am at the very present moment. I have come to embrace the pain within. The things that cripple me from being a fragrance of beauty and grace unto those around me. I'm always in defensive mode twds those I know can hurt me. So I use "punch-line" sarcasm that ends conversations. I don't know how to have a decent conversation in fear that I won't have control over what is being said! Man, talk about issues!

It's good that I'm being revealed such matters because before anything serious occurs I'm glad I can get to know more of myself. Change what can be changed and to tweak what needs to be replaced. This blog has seen me at my worst and my best. Spiritually, emotionally and mentally. It's amazing how life takes me on such journeys and yet I have nothing to worry about because all is taken care off. All I have to learn to do is to sit back and just relax, for Christ sake!

Continuing on....

Spiritual Surgery

"When you forgive someone, you slice away the wrong from the person who did it. You disengage that person from his hurtful act. You recreate him. At one moment you identify him ineradicably as the person who did you wrong. The next moment you change that identity. He is remade in your memory.

You think of him now not as the person who hurt you, but a person who needs you. You feel him now not as the person who alienated you, but as the person who belongs to you. Once you branded him as a person powerful in evil, but now you see him as a person weak in his needs. You recreated your past by recreating the person whose wrong made your past painful."

-Lewis Smedes

As Henri Nouwen writes,

"God rejoices.

Not because the problems of the world have been solved,

not because all human pain

and suffering have come to an end,

nor because thousands of people have been converted

and are now praising him for his goodness.

No, God rejoices

because one of his children

who was lost

has been found."

I always wonder the same thing...

-Live Productively

F A I T H

"now faith is being sure of what we hope for

and certain of what we do not see."

-Hebrews 11:1

"and without faith it is impossible to please God,
because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists

and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
-Hebrews 11:6

-Live Productively

like a baby elephant

i remember a story

that i heard long time ago

about a baby elephant who's trained from birth

to be tied to an enormous tree trunk,

being trained not to escape.

even as the years pass by,

and as the baby elephant grows into it's adult size

the baby elephant remains psychologically intact

that it can't escape its terrain

when obviously, this elephant can.

it's kind of like that.

it just feels like i have been entrapped in a cage

for all of my life.

even though the cage bars no longer exists

or never even existed at all?

i still can't seem to escape my own barriers.

i think that i'm a baby elephant

but in actuality

i am an adult elephant

with no cage at all.

freedom reigns

growing up

a word of advice [image]

enough said.

-Live Productively

희망

"learn to hope, sleep to dream, find love in everything."

If you don't give up, you'll win.

We must not give up. This world is going to be trying and there are going to be days that are difficult. But we must keep holding on to our faith because if we do, we’ll see that God is going to turn it all around in the end. We must cling to that promise and trust that we will get to see the fruits of his victory when the time comes.

Until then, we must not give up.

he restores me not replaces me [audio]

YNCC | Sermons | A Meal with Peter

-Live Productively

Portrait of a Son (story)

There once lived a wealthy widower who shared a passion for collecting art with his son. Priceless works adorned the family estate.

Then the war came. The son enlisted, and after only a few weeks, the father’s worst fears were realized: his son was killed in action.

Months later the old man, still grieving, answered a knock on the door. "I was a friend of your son,” said the stranger at the door, “He was rescuing me when he died. I have something I want to give you." And he gave the father a portrait he had painted of the man’s son! It wasn’t a masterpiece, but precious nonetheless. The old man was overcome with emotion and gratitude.

When the old man died, his paintings were slated for auction. The event began with a painting that wasn’t on the docket—the painting of the man's son.

Bidding opened at $100. Silence. “Who cares about that painting?” someone cried, “Let's get to the good stuff." Voices clamored in agreement.

Finally, an elderly gentleman asked, "Will you take $10? That's all I have, but I knew the lad and would love to have the portrait." After more silence, the auctioneer said, "Going once, going twice. Gone."

Then to everyone’s surprise, the auctioneer closed the auction! Stunned disbelief filled the room. "What do you mean?” voices demanded, “There’s still millions of dollars of art here!"

The auctioneer replied, "It’s really quite simple. According to the will of the father, whoever takes his son gets it all.”

It’s the same with us . . . whoever takes the Son in faith receives all the Father’s benefits!

growing up [audio]

"well i know i have lived just a wrinkle of my life

and i hear so many times it'll be over when i blink twice

... growing up child is just a matter of time"

쉼터

The LORD is my light and my salvation;

whom shall I fear?

The LORD is the stronghold of my life;

of whom shall I be afraid?

When evildoers assail me

to eat up my flesh,

my adversaries and foes,

it is they who stumble and fall.

Though an army encamp against me,

my heart shall not fear;

though war arise against me,

yet I will be confident.

One thing have I asked of the LORD,

that will I seek after:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD

all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD

and to inquire in his temple.

For he will hide me in his shelter

in the day of trouble;

he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;

he will lift me high upon a rock.

And now my head shall be lifted up

above my enemies all around me,

and I will offer in his tent

sacrifices with shouts of joy;

I will sing and make melody to the LORD.

Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;

be gracious to me and answer me!

You have said, “Seek my face.”

My heart says to you,

“Your face, LORD, do I seek.”

Hide not your face from me.

Turn not your servant away in anger,

O you who have been my help.

Cast me not off; forsake me not,

O God of my salvation!

For my father and my mother have forsaken me,

but the LORD will take me in.

Teach me your way, O LORD,

and lead me on a level path

because of my enemies.

Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;

for false witnesses have risen against me,

and they breathe out violence.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living!

Wait for the LORD;

be strong, and let your heart take courage;

wait for the LORD!

Psalm 27
(ESV)

she's got a point

In a classic "Peanuts" comic strip, Charlie Brown goes to Lucy for psychiatric help.

He says, "What can you do when you don't fit in?

What can you do when life seems to be passing you by?"

Lucy leads Charlie away from her booth and says,

"Follow me. I want to show you something.

See the horizon over there? See how big this world is?

See how much room there is for everybody?

Have you ever seen any other worlds?"

Charlie replies meekly, "No."

She continues, "As far as you know,

this is the only world there is...Right?"

Even more meekly, Charlie says, "Right."

Lucy presses on,

"There are no other worlds for you to live in...Right?"

Charlie admits, "Right." "

You were born to live in this world...Right?"

"Right," says Charlie.

Lucy then explodes, "Well, live in it then! Five cents, please."

While we may disagree with Lucy's counseling technique,

we recognize she is on to something.

We need to make the most of our lives and really live.

-Live Productively

just wait and see

it's like a little child

who needs to learn on his own

how to walk.

you can't pick him up and force him to walk

some kids take longer to learn

to get up on their own legs

and move forward.

it's kind of like that.

as much as it may pain you

with impatience

it's for the benefit of the child

to learn on his own

because that's what makes him stronger.

just wait,

and see the potential of some people.

even if it hurts.

the most important thing is to wait...

-live productively

let it bloom

and like a flower

sometimes you just gotta plant the seed

and nurture it with love

with enough water

and the right amount of sun.

weeding it out,

and overdosing it with more water

will not make it grow faster.

it is the same with love.

some things you just have to let it go.

let it be

and let it organically bloom.

in the end,

your result will be a beauty.

-live productively

i love that i'm richly blessed with older woman

to guide, teach and lead me into the way of righteousness.

i admit the narrow way seems slumber at times

and almost all the time i lose my way

but these women keep me level headed

and make sure i'm going the right way.

today i acknowledge my mentor and my mom.

two strong pillars in my life.

women who have experienced life.

listening to what they have to say,

i mainly sit there soaking in every morsel of their words.

it's life experiences, that can't be read in books!

they remind me that i'm still young.

i don't have to grow up so fast

and that i can take life a bit slower.

which brings me back to cutting myself off from my childhood.

having to grow up pre-maturely took in many scenarios in my life.

it made me a mom, a wife, a sister all at the age of my teens.

i've developed some mechanisms that i still carry around today

the mechanisms that sustained me through those rough times.

but today i acknowledge that i am no longer a child

and as much as i sulk and whine like one.

i must get a hold of myself, stand firm and be strong.

that's what these women in my life teach me.

when it comes to love, it hurts.

but through that, you become stronger.

and to become stronger you must become your own person.

today, i have grown just a little bit,

from child's play to being a grown mature adult.

we'll see how i turn out throughout the years.

-Live Productively

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior,

not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine,

teaching what is good,

so that they may encourage the young women

to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible,

pure, workers at home, kind, being subject

to their own husbands, so that the word of god will not be dishonored.

Titus 2:3-5

He gives grace to the humble

there has got to be a better way for me to stop breaking my valuables

once problems start to arise in my life.

arousing the anger that i never even knew i had inside me.

i've been doing so well on detoxing the unhealthies out of my life

and incorporating healthy remedies to a healthy lifestyle.

stress less, eat healthier, drink more water, exercise, LOVE more!

tonight i am living out the bible study that i taught this afternoon.

with the question that i posed to my students:

Q. When is it the best time to love?

A. When it is the most hardest to love!

and correct they were....

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another,

because love covers a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8

i love when God humbles me, proudly.

Got the memo, Lord. Got the memo.

-Live Productively

winter in ann arbor, michigan

was SOOOOOOOO amazing!

he who has an ear let him hear

But I have this against you,

that you have left your first love.

Therefore remember from where you have fallen,

and repent

and do the deeds you did at first;

or else I am coming to you

and will remove your lampstand out of its place-

unless you repent.

Revelation 2:4-5

How does a church become a lifeless place?

biblical servanthood

Faithful servants developed new skills to better serve.

Faithful servants did all they could to build the esteem and prestige of those they served; and this prestige, in turn, brought the servant prestige as well. He took great pride and honor in his role as a bondservant. And he, though perhaps wise in his own right, treated the thoughts and opinions of those he served as being as valuable as his own.

Faithful servants performed menial, thankless jobs in order to make room for those they served to exercise their gifts. The servant made allowances for the weaknesses of those he served as if they were his own. And in that way, he actively protected them from shame.

Lord, break me that I may be a faithful servant to those around me...

happy new year!

always with me [audio]

The sun shine don’t shine without you
You bring me the light in me
That makes me follow you
But sometimes my arms can’t reach you
Cause I keep falling down and I don’t know what to do
I keep falling down and I don’t know what to do

But I know that you know what’s best for me
And as I’m crawling on the floor
You’re crawling with me
And as these mountains get higher
And I struggle with fire
I know that you’re always with me

My heart beat don’t beat without you
And every scar on my body tells me that I’m through
But who am I to live without you
Cause I keep falling down and I don’t know what to do
I keep falling down and I don’t know what to do

But I know that you know what’s best for me
And as I’m crawling on the floor
You’re crawling with me
And as these mountains get higher
And I struggle with fire
I know that you’re always with me

You lie with me where I’m caught in between
The green pastures and the waters deep
You restore my soul, you take me where I wanna be
And as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I fear no evil cause you are my happiness
I know goodness and mercy will follow me
Cause I know that you know what's best for me...