the past in the present

All Dressed Up in Love

Having been bombarded with unexpected emotions, confusion and exhaustion.. I decided to kick back, call it EstherAloneTime and pop in a dvd.. and boy, did i choose the perfect one! The movie answered so many of my questions, their quotes made my cluttered mind clarified and I learned that: You don't need fancy designer labels to bring happiness, all you need are good food and friends.. haha these girls somehow found love in their lives individually all in the way that LOVE was expressed to them. there wasn't a step-by-step way to find love but.. that love.. finds you.. you don't need many people involved in your love.. all that matters is you and that other person.. the movie made me laugh alot, it made me touched, it made me cry, it also made me.. feel.. how it felt to be loved for the first time.. how it felt to be happy because you really are happy within, with.. yourself.. something i need much more improvement on.. that when you find happiness within yourself, love finds you and joins you in that happiness.. with that said, enjoy this song~

-live productively

The Cold Truth

"It doesn't matter what you do. It doesn't matter where you go. It doesn't matter what you accomplish. It doesn't matter how many (or how few) friends you have. It doesn't even matter how much money you have. Nor, for that matter, does it matter what you know or what you understand- or what you think you understand. What matters is how much you are ENJOYING YOURSELF...

Ask yourself these questions: Are you glad to be alive? Is the day brining you pleasure or pain? September delivers a chance for you to spend more time doing whatever brings you the most satisfaction. What matters more than that?" -Taurus Horoscope.. what a bright future to look forward to~

*** This is what I read today in a magazine titled: ALL*YOU.. it's pink, girly, magazine contains makeup suggestions, cooking recipes that have to do with the summer, it's ALL ME! So the magazine also included horoscopes like every magazine does. I don't really pay attention to horoscopes but read it for fun here and there to see if it has any amusing words for me to be entertained by. Today's horoscope caught me off guard though, especially in regards to all the emotionally painstaking times that I have been enduring.. Last night, I had a chat with the mother of my 2 brothers. She brought into perspective the cold truth about accepting the fact that people separate, the fact that people leave, and the fact that.. sometimes, love changes.. at that moment when she was speaking those words i sensed this cold numbing feeling on my heart. What I was imagining was a picture of those renaissance movies where there's a steel maker pounding the steel chest plate with a hammer to make it stronger. I felt like that's what was happening with my heart. To become steel. To become cold. To be wary of being unharmed.. She set the reality that I shouldn't expect people to somehow understand what I am going through, or to somehow understand me. She used the example of how i will NEVER understand or be able to understand WHY my mom left me and my brother here and went to Korea to find a replacement family and raise 2 daughters like they were her own blood. Or as to WHY my dad was so cold enough to kick me out for a grueling 15 or so months without any word to a hand to offer any help but have the dignity to raise my brothers like they were me. REDEMPTION for their own souls, I'm guessing. I never knew how wounded I was until I started to allow myself to feel emotions that you don't really feel every day. It's the emotions that come when you allow another person to be trustworthy. I give out chances to be able to trust another human being. That risk I take comes with consequences, pain, disappointments, and hurts. I guess why I'm writing this blog regarding this matter is because I haven't quite fully come to understand and accept. But I feel like I'm close. Close to fully grasping the concept to finally accept what has happened. Grow into a stronger person and be able to FORGIVE what has happened, forgive the person who caused the pains and be able to allow myself to finally find peace. Peace to Love and Peace to accept and Peace to Live life.. FREELY.. until then, i'm still a prisoner of not Askaban but of my wounds..

fully live, warmly love and wholly forgive..

-live productively

Growing Up.. Moving Onward..

"The most important of life's battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chambers of the soul."

These days there are many things within my soul that I am battling against. It's as if I'm finding who i really am and conjuring up enough strength to finally be able to accept the things that were once out of my control.. It's as if now I am able to control my pains and hurts so that they wouldn't allow me to disable myself to be able to love and be loved in return. I have been coming face to face with, i'd like to call.. the one, who lives in the dark crevice inside me. She's the one that became a grown up, prematurely, leaving her feeling abandoned by her youth and from those that the world says, would love her. I write about love that is unconditional, i write about healing, i write about pains, i write about so many diverse areas of my life. This phase of my life that I'm transitioning into is probably going to be the toughest part. I knew that one day i'm going to have to face the truth. The truth of the fact that no matter how dysfunctional i grew up, no matter what i saw growing up, it all happened.. for a reason.. that reason, i do not know of quite yet.. but im sure it's for the very reason that will help me walk again from my crippled self. the extremities that came with growing up, i surely did not sign up for, but somehow was placed into my hands. Am i thankful? not much, but when i am affirmed by how i've somehow helped another being.. then those moments are the times when I become grateful for them struggles that i've faced.. yet the 12 yr old me is the one that is still crippled inside. It's only at those times when i let anyone come to a close viscinity of me where the things that are being spoken or the feelings that im feeling, reminds me of anything that has happened in the past with my family, i automatically mutate into my 12 year old self cramped up in my room, listening to my parents argue and praying that it's not what i think they're arguing about. i picture the time when we found our empty car with all my mothers belongings but no mom to be found. i dont know why i'm automatically taken back to these moments every time i fear that another being has the ability to scar me.. maybe this is my first step to going back to an overdue 12 years. retracing the hurts that have been poured into me and being able to finally pull the plug, letting those hurts pour out so that new blessings can finally flow into me. I can finally grow up now.. healthy and maturely.. being who i am today and accepting.. that i am loved and able to love, in return.. all in due time..

-live productively

Appreciate Life..

Sometimes

we

get

so

caught

up

with

life...

we

forget

to

just

appreciate

life..

-live productively

God & Pain

This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen...

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.

As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.

They talked about so many things and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said:

'I don't believe that God exists.'

'Why do you say that?' asked the customer. 'Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.

Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people?

Would there be abandoned children?

If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain.

I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.'

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.

The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard.

He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber:

'You know what? Barbers do not exist.'

'How can you say that?' asked the surprised barber. 'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!'

'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.'

'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me.'

Exactly!' affirmed the customer. 'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist!

That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help.

That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'

-Live Productively