He showed up

and met me.

HE gave me a clear vision of how life is going to be from here on out.

I'm able to trust without fearing because of you. For that, I want to say Thanks!

-Live Productively

Tis Life

"one of the secrets in life is to make stepping stones

out of stumbling blocks"

-Jack Penn

hanging on today

today was a good day.

i went to my first counseling session with a professional clinical psychologist. the pain and the hurts all started at the age of 12. so today i realized that i have lived 1/2 my life prolonging that pain that so lingered for so many years. the counseling session made a lot of break thru for me. i realized a lot about myself that i did not know. although it was my first session who knows what will happen within the month til my next appointment. as for now, i am finally going to work on being a whole person. there were a lot of things that this session made me realize. a lot about my past as well as my present and hope for the future. in the past i've seen a couple therapist but none that had the means to reach out and give me hope in healing. but this time, as i am at this phase of my life, i think it's perfect timing.

-live knowing you can change

live happily

these days i really want to change my blog name to live happily or love productively or something. just because the phase of my life that i am transitioning into seems to be more calm and not so emotional. i like to write but what scares me after is going back to read what i wrote. some dark times of my life i can write the most profound things that i didn't even imagine i could do. the pain i once felt at that time of my life and the emotions that conjured up to the surface that inspired me to write out my thoughts. now that some things that once used to hurt and bother me does not no more because maybe i've matured or maybe it's not worth the torturing of myself anymore. or maybe it's this spiritual realization that when in life you have nothing left u look up and see God. so maybe when God takes everything away and leaves you opening your hands in wonder as to why you have nothing left, maybe it's time to just be thankful for the hardships. the pains and the hurts that this world has to offer because ultimately. God will save you

-liveproductively

i HAD A DREAM

i had a dream last night that really got me thinking..

it all started with a scene that was from a movie. i was anxiously being pushed and shoved in this nuclear power plant type of place. there was smog and the lights were flickering of orange while the sirens were going off that it was time to.. "get the hell out of that place!!" as i was being pushed along with other people that i didn't recognize we were led up these stairs into this outside area with black metal ledges that were led up by ladders. i saw people just chilling outside. soo many people. i then saw some familiar faces outside waiting so i immediately ran to them. as we were all waiting i noticed below that we were inside some HUGEmongous barrel that had water coming up from below. the water had come up slowly then it started surfacing faster. sooner than i expected. right before the water reached me someone screamed. SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE. so as soon as i felt the water come up to cover my body i started swimming. the water started going up soooo fast and i nearly drowned and as i held my breathe to make it to the top i almost didn't make it but i did. i got a breathe of life right as i was about to feel like i was guna pass out. i made it to the top and there were about only a number of people. not as many as the ones before the water surfaced. it seemed as if these people were having a party. like they were laying out by the pool chillin in their swimsuits. confused as i was i said, "aren't you guys a little bit concerned about the people that are still underneath the water? they're our families that just drowned" and i got a reply, "yeah, she's right" and then they went along with their business.. i then left the group and walked around agonizing over what happened.. then i woke up.

i write about this in my blog because i feel like this dream was a symbolizm of the end times. the drills and sirens that so rings and alerts us are the messages that are being given as the bible speaks of. rumors of wars, natural disasters, i dont remember the others. all i know is even from the previews i get chills because it's all about; machines taking over the future. human becoming extinct. 2012. etc etc. as i am being pushed outside it's as if we're waiting for the end. bible speaks about how God will come "like a theif in the night". the water and being lifted up and being alive reminds me of this verse:

I Thessalonians 4:16-18

"For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet of God; and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up in the air, and thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage each other with these words."

I'm just confused as to why I was agonizing when i should have been rejoicing if I was in heaven. Maybe it was just a sign from God speaking to me in my dream that it's not too late to continue doing the good work. spreading the gospel to those around me.

I Thessalonians 5:4,9-10 "For you yourselves know full well that the day of the Lord will come just like a thief in the night. For God has not destined us for wrath, but for obtaining salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us, that whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him."

Be Strong, Live productively

the past in the present

All Dressed Up in Love

Having been bombarded with unexpected emotions, confusion and exhaustion.. I decided to kick back, call it EstherAloneTime and pop in a dvd.. and boy, did i choose the perfect one! The movie answered so many of my questions, their quotes made my cluttered mind clarified and I learned that: You don't need fancy designer labels to bring happiness, all you need are good food and friends.. haha these girls somehow found love in their lives individually all in the way that LOVE was expressed to them. there wasn't a step-by-step way to find love but.. that love.. finds you.. you don't need many people involved in your love.. all that matters is you and that other person.. the movie made me laugh alot, it made me touched, it made me cry, it also made me.. feel.. how it felt to be loved for the first time.. how it felt to be happy because you really are happy within, with.. yourself.. something i need much more improvement on.. that when you find happiness within yourself, love finds you and joins you in that happiness.. with that said, enjoy this song~

-live productively