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Why do I even bother looking back?

I think it only messes me up.
Why do I even care to care what my pasts are doing with their present.
Their present has nothing to do with mine.
And we are only strangers again.
Whether they are good or bad,
Dead or Alive, I'm just happy
We once were but no longer are.
And that's the par we've placed on one another.
My future has yet to come meet me
And my present is no where near where I want to be.
He just is, I just am. We just are.

Past, Present and Future.

Don't bother looking back.
You might miss something great
In that brief second
Of lookin back.
And plus,
It only hurts ... Your neck.

Very much at peace with myself

Though the world around me seems to be in utter chaos, my heart and my spirit within remains calm.. It's been a long time coming for me to reach where I am now. I don't know if it's from the years that's passed or if I can say that it's from life experiences? Maybe a collaboration of both brings me to a place of perfect harmony. Although I am not exactly where I imagined myself to be at 27years old. But then again, I never really pondered deeply about where I wanted to be at 27.... I just know that in my former years, being married at this time was the only life goal I really imagined for myself. But being where I am now and seeing my close beloved ones married, divorced, having kids, going thru the stages of life .. I'm coming to see that marriage is just not for me quite yet and I'm okay with that. I guess being raised in such a conservative Korean cultured church led me into thinking that-- life is the same for everyone and that if you believe in God and have complete faith in Him, everything will work out... Was I surprised when all that didn't come to be fulfilled in my life. I mean, I believe in God whole heartedly but is it my lack of faith that I wasn't raised like the normal Korean family or that I didn't have everything provided for me as I was growing up? Did I lack in my belief in God? I think not! In John 9.. It talks about a Man who was born blind. Jesus' disciples end up asking him if it was, "this man or his parents who sinned, that he was born blind?" (vs2). But Jesus answers back by saying that it was, "neither this man nor his parents who sinned but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him." I think this story stuck with me after last weeks sermon topic at Living Way regarding prayer. And I refer back to it because I don't think everyone is born the same. I don't think everyone has got what our society has called the norms. I think some are greatly blessed and I think that some people must work a little harder to keep on par. But it's both okay because God is the one who sees all and provides for all. So, in truth, we are all on par under the Lord and reign of Jesus Christ. And because at the cross were all sinners and saved by His grace, I'm all the more thankful and at peace with myself because I have not much that I lack because he had fulfilled within me what the world can never have me achieve.

Cave Moments

Never really understood why I'd always revert back into my cave after coming out from it by being so lonely. Then I spend my days mingling and being jolly with others to only revert back into cave moments.

This place is my sanctuary. I dwell my thoughts, ease my mind and calm a raging spirit. It comes spontaneously but sporadically. When I've lost, been taken away or inadequately matured from a previous lesson then I come back and regain the composure to play the same tune of life once again, hoping that the second time around would sound more in harmony than the first.

This time I'm different. I no longer feel the need to apologize for my disappearance or the need to feel ashamed that I'm not like the crowd. I embrace that I'm a bit odd and can become somewhat mentally unaware of reality. So I come into my cave to regain my composure and to decide on how I can go about the circumstances from here on out?

As of yet, I'm still caved in. Let me have a moment.

Continuing on

So let's see.. It's been about a good time span since the last time I've printed anything on this blog. Was thinking of creating a new one just to restart from where I am now but I've convinced myself that it's probably best to continue on from where I've left off.

So as of yet, most things have been same old' except my age. Everything seems to stay the same except my age and the boys that roam thru my life. My brothers are growing up so fast. My dads settle down into his old age, altho I'm coming to believe he may be going thru a life crisis. Wouldn't be surprised if he ends up rockin a tattoo in a Harley Davidson with a leather jacket. Haha. Lately he's been saying how much he wants to try bungee jumping, started a praise band at his church and is spending more quality time with me on the weekly. So It's almost like he's been embracing the lost time which has passed yet he's new and improved in the way he's even approaching life. It's respectable.

I'd like to think I've grown in that time span that's lapsed since my last serious post. I have to admit though, that the reason I've stopped writing all together, on my blog, notes, journals is because of my fear of facing my emotions, the feelings so buried deep within that so embarks me when the storm has calmed. Lately, I've been finding myself seeing a reflection of who I am thru the people I've been meeting. There's this one friend who has been a mirror for me to see how I am, by the things I say, and the actions that I portray. It's been heart wrenching but at the same time a revolutionary moment. Things I've always known and things I've never known about myself. I'm always down to improve and become a better version of myself than the version of who I am at the very present moment. I have come to embrace the pain within. The things that cripple me from being a fragrance of beauty and grace unto those around me. I'm always in defensive mode twds those I know can hurt me. So I use "punch-line" sarcasm that ends conversations. I don't know how to have a decent conversation in fear that I won't have control over what is being said! Man, talk about issues!

It's good that I'm being revealed such matters because before anything serious occurs I'm glad I can get to know more of myself. Change what can be changed and to tweak what needs to be replaced. This blog has seen me at my worst and my best. Spiritually, emotionally and mentally. It's amazing how life takes me on such journeys and yet I have nothing to worry about because all is taken care off. All I have to learn to do is to sit back and just relax, for Christ sake!

Continuing on....

Spiritual Surgery

"When you forgive someone, you slice away the wrong from the person who did it. You disengage that person from his hurtful act. You recreate him. At one moment you identify him ineradicably as the person who did you wrong. The next moment you change that identity. He is remade in your memory.

You think of him now not as the person who hurt you, but a person who needs you. You feel him now not as the person who alienated you, but as the person who belongs to you. Once you branded him as a person powerful in evil, but now you see him as a person weak in his needs. You recreated your past by recreating the person whose wrong made your past painful."

-Lewis Smedes

As Henri Nouwen writes,

"God rejoices.

Not because the problems of the world have been solved,

not because all human pain

and suffering have come to an end,

nor because thousands of people have been converted

and are now praising him for his goodness.

No, God rejoices

because one of his children

who was lost

has been found."