Cave Moments

Never really understood why I'd always revert back into my cave after coming out from it by being so lonely. Then I spend my days mingling and being jolly with others to only revert back into cave moments.

This place is my sanctuary. I dwell my thoughts, ease my mind and calm a raging spirit. It comes spontaneously but sporadically. When I've lost, been taken away or inadequately matured from a previous lesson then I come back and regain the composure to play the same tune of life once again, hoping that the second time around would sound more in harmony than the first.

This time I'm different. I no longer feel the need to apologize for my disappearance or the need to feel ashamed that I'm not like the crowd. I embrace that I'm a bit odd and can become somewhat mentally unaware of reality. So I come into my cave to regain my composure and to decide on how I can go about the circumstances from here on out?

As of yet, I'm still caved in. Let me have a moment.

Continuing on

So let's see.. It's been about a good time span since the last time I've printed anything on this blog. Was thinking of creating a new one just to restart from where I am now but I've convinced myself that it's probably best to continue on from where I've left off.

So as of yet, most things have been same old' except my age. Everything seems to stay the same except my age and the boys that roam thru my life. My brothers are growing up so fast. My dads settle down into his old age, altho I'm coming to believe he may be going thru a life crisis. Wouldn't be surprised if he ends up rockin a tattoo in a Harley Davidson with a leather jacket. Haha. Lately he's been saying how much he wants to try bungee jumping, started a praise band at his church and is spending more quality time with me on the weekly. So It's almost like he's been embracing the lost time which has passed yet he's new and improved in the way he's even approaching life. It's respectable.

I'd like to think I've grown in that time span that's lapsed since my last serious post. I have to admit though, that the reason I've stopped writing all together, on my blog, notes, journals is because of my fear of facing my emotions, the feelings so buried deep within that so embarks me when the storm has calmed. Lately, I've been finding myself seeing a reflection of who I am thru the people I've been meeting. There's this one friend who has been a mirror for me to see how I am, by the things I say, and the actions that I portray. It's been heart wrenching but at the same time a revolutionary moment. Things I've always known and things I've never known about myself. I'm always down to improve and become a better version of myself than the version of who I am at the very present moment. I have come to embrace the pain within. The things that cripple me from being a fragrance of beauty and grace unto those around me. I'm always in defensive mode twds those I know can hurt me. So I use "punch-line" sarcasm that ends conversations. I don't know how to have a decent conversation in fear that I won't have control over what is being said! Man, talk about issues!

It's good that I'm being revealed such matters because before anything serious occurs I'm glad I can get to know more of myself. Change what can be changed and to tweak what needs to be replaced. This blog has seen me at my worst and my best. Spiritually, emotionally and mentally. It's amazing how life takes me on such journeys and yet I have nothing to worry about because all is taken care off. All I have to learn to do is to sit back and just relax, for Christ sake!

Continuing on....

Spiritual Surgery

"When you forgive someone, you slice away the wrong from the person who did it. You disengage that person from his hurtful act. You recreate him. At one moment you identify him ineradicably as the person who did you wrong. The next moment you change that identity. He is remade in your memory.

You think of him now not as the person who hurt you, but a person who needs you. You feel him now not as the person who alienated you, but as the person who belongs to you. Once you branded him as a person powerful in evil, but now you see him as a person weak in his needs. You recreated your past by recreating the person whose wrong made your past painful."

-Lewis Smedes

As Henri Nouwen writes,

"God rejoices.

Not because the problems of the world have been solved,

not because all human pain

and suffering have come to an end,

nor because thousands of people have been converted

and are now praising him for his goodness.

No, God rejoices

because one of his children

who was lost

has been found."

I always wonder the same thing...

-Live Productively

F A I T H

"now faith is being sure of what we hope for

and certain of what we do not see."

-Hebrews 11:1

"and without faith it is impossible to please God,
because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists

and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
-Hebrews 11:6

-Live Productively

like a baby elephant

i remember a story

that i heard long time ago

about a baby elephant who's trained from birth

to be tied to an enormous tree trunk,

being trained not to escape.

even as the years pass by,

and as the baby elephant grows into it's adult size

the baby elephant remains psychologically intact

that it can't escape its terrain

when obviously, this elephant can.

it's kind of like that.

it just feels like i have been entrapped in a cage

for all of my life.

even though the cage bars no longer exists

or never even existed at all?

i still can't seem to escape my own barriers.

i think that i'm a baby elephant

but in actuality

i am an adult elephant

with no cage at all.

freedom reigns