Don't Apologize

unless you really did something wrong!

Today my mind is all jumbled so I thought I'd blog to try to organize some of the things cluttered up in there. I remember when I used to immerse myself into relationships with guys that I knew would NEVER ever understand the depths of pain that I've had to endure b/c of my family. So because of my dis functioned self from my dysfunctional family, I'd get into relationships with guys who had the exact opposite- a family that was.. "normal".. a guy who I saw as Loved by a mom & a dad so I'd be loved somehow with that kind of love which only led to times were I'd be agonizing and apologizing for not growing up in a "normal" family home or have a "normal" life and for not being.. "normal"- like them. It's one of those areas where I need to dig.. deeper but I'll save that for another day.. today I had the time and courage to reflect back and I seriously cannot believe I was so pathetic enough to stoop so low and apologize for-- NOT BEING NORMAL ?! The thing that makes me cringe even more is the fact that I allowed myself to be placed in a position where I would see my past, the wounds and hurts become a disease that infected me, leaving me quarantined from being Loved. Was this really the way that God created me to be? As Gods Love is healing my wounded soul, I'm able to recognize that the only words that should come out of my mouth in an apology would be for not repenting for my sins! God created me for so much MORE than to apologize for my life that I never really saw as Normal from the beginning. Who is to say what's "Normal" anyways? I'm definitely not and it's about time that I've come to embrace it!

-Live Productively

In Remembrance..

"If we are to go forward,

we must go back and rediscover those precious values -

that all reality hinges on moral foundations and that all reality has spiritual control."

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

-Live Productively

Psalm 56:8

In the above scripture, the Psalmist tells me that God keeps a record of my tears and that He saves those tears in a bottle. On the day I meet him face to face he'll show me those tears. I have been in a mode where I am a waterworks show whenever it comes to certain topics of my life which I always saw as part of my process to healing and accepting. Today I came across a highly respected woman I know who helped me in this process of healing. Her & her family are missionaries in the country of Indonesia and it's SO amazing how God works in the hearts of individuals and how he divinely appoints a perfect time, a 'Kairos' moment, and crosses our paths for healing, encouragement and a spoken word from Him to show me that I'm headed in the right direction. It's like driving on the freeway and looking for certain signs to show that I'm driving on the right freeway in the right direction. Yeah, it was exactly like that today. We didn't exchange many words but when she looked into my eyes and started tearing it was like she was weeping for what she was seeing inside my soul. She knew and at the same time felt what I was turmoiling with INSIDE. At that moment I knew that God's hands was on both our hearts and he was meeting us both in THAT place where NO ONE else was/is allowed, sometimes not even ourselves. It was a moment where peace was free to flow forth into certain areas of my life because I was able to feel the pain and weep over it. Normally when i would hear about tears, crying or gloom I automatically think of sadness, grieving or some kind of pain and definitely some sort of hurt. I always thought that this was a definite NO GO because sadness and tears brings pain and hurts. Something I hate and despise and try with all my life NOT to feel or come across. All my life, going through my parents divorces, going through my mom abandoning me when I was 12 and then again later on in my life and experiencing the same abandonment from my step-mom, going through deaths of those close to me, going through all the yelling/anger/resentment from my dad towards me, going through taking on the role of a wife to him and a mother to my brothers, going through my relationships & painful break ups.. I always put off feeling pain from each of these areas because dude, real talk- IT HURTS! and the pain is sometimes very unbearable. I'm still in the process of embracing the pain and really facing how hurt I was from my past wounds. Every day, every moment- I'm showing real good progress & outcome. After my heart to heart moment with Ksmn today I came to figure that while I'm still alive I'm always going to be going through this. But every moment that I feel is a moment where I'm able to let go and allow God to take over that empty, painful, hurtful, hollow, dark, sad, scary place in me for His light, peace, love and grace to replace. This moment in me is like the words Jesus spoke about in Matt 12:43-45 about the house being unoccupied, cleaned up and everything in order but for me, I have no room for evil spirits anymore... God is home sweet home :) Everything is In time... and a continued process.

The tears of our sorrow brings forth a harvest.

"..weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Psalm 30:5

-Live Productively

It is time..

Tuesday afternoon, January 12th, the worst earthquake in 200 years - 7.0 in magnitude - struck less than ten miles from the Caribbean city of Port-au-Prince, Haiti. The initial quake was later followed by twelve aftershocks greater than magnitude 5.0. Structures of all kinds were damaged or collapsed, from shantytown homes to national landmarks. It is still very early in the recovery effort, but millions are likely displaced, and thousands are feared dead as rescue teams from all over the world are now descending on Haiti to help where they are able.

more info

God is shaking us to wake up. It's time to drop to our knees; face down in prayer- for yourselves, for your family, for the people in Haiti. It's time for our spirits to awaken. Be reminded by this tragedy that the times are near. Every day that passes is a DAY closer to Christ return. For he delays another day for another soul to come to know the Lord, personally. Don't delay, come to know the Lord. Where will you be when he arrives?

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

_Romans 12:12_

-Live Productively

The Journey

of a thousand miles begins with the first step...

I came into 2010 with a big sha-bang! Starting off the new year by shedding my old coping mechs & ways of living to putting on some new remedies- my new self that God is refining me into. With this new enlightenment, I've been totally skipping out on thoroughly going through the process and skipped right to getting ahead of myself! AGAIN, it's the whole- control thing! God is God, I am not! I speed walk & try to run my way through life (it's just how I was accustomed to growing up, sometimes I really can't help it but I'm trying!) so I tend to make myself feel like I'm getting somewhere instantly by controlling the process of growth when the growth process controls itself. In reality it's not about how fast I'll get to my destination. THAT is what I'm coming to see.. the journey is not about a destination, it's about LIFE. the journey IS life itself. I feel like I'm at a point where I've lost my breathe, I've reached my max capacity that running any farther I'm pretty much guna faint. Hence, I'm at a rest stop where I need to stop the running and start pacing myself. Again, it's not about how fast I'm going, it's about following God through life. Time and time again I come to points in life where I have to just STOP, adjust my focus back to Christ and take my sweet time to enjoy my surroundings while strolling through life, enjoying the weather and the people walking alongside me. It's about finishing together, NOT how fast I can finish alone. This comes to show that even in my healing process it's not about passing through it alone but allowing myself to take the risks of vulnerability (as frightening as it already sounds) and investing in friendships that has substance. But that is in and of itself a whole new entry. For now, I have taken my first [few] steps :)

-Live Productively

Giving & Receiving

"you can only give away what you already have inside yourself. True giving happens when you are overflowing from the inside, and cannot help but share. When there is so much love within you that it has to flow to others or you would burst open. There is no thinking involved, no willpower in such sharing. It just flows out. If you have to force yourself to be kind, to love, to feel compassion, you've missed the first step of filling in your own Self with these emotions."

Sometimes in the path of life there can be times to give and times to receive. I have entered into a season of receiving. It's not that kind of selfish receiving where it's all ME ME ME, like the seagulls in Finding Nemo when they yelp MINE MINE MINE like a million times out of their selfishness. It's a receiving from God that I just have to bask myself in. But the only problem is, I HATE IT! I hate it because it's a time where I don't look to my left or to my right to receive from people, like I normally would. It's a time where the only way to look is UP. sometimes literally I have to look to the sky and gaze upon the vastness of how great the world is to remind myself that I have a great God who is the one leading me in this time! It's a season of emptying out of myself, grieving over certain areas of my life and completely finding myself broken and emptied out. I know I've written previously about an emptying out but I am starting to continuously see that it's an emptying out to be filled once again. I honestly hate it. There are times where I will cry sporadically out of no where. There are times where I will laugh til I can't breathe because I enjoy the happiness and there are also times where I just clock out mentally and emotionally just because.. I don't know quite yet why this is happening but I know that there is a reason for it and whatever God is trying to do with me, he sure is making me into a piece of clay for a master piece to be sculpted. This gives me enough hope to endure in this refining process.

-live productively

I absolutely loved it!

From the moment this movie came out, Julie&Julia were calling out to me. I didn't know what it was about the movie that made me drawn. Maybe it was the darling cute outfits they sport through out the movie or maybe it was just Meryl Streep's, as always, outstanding performance as Julia Child! I'm not much of a lover of cooking or eating but this movie brought an inspiring spark to my life today. As the new year has come and after watching this movie I have found an inspiration to embark on uncovering myself through my blog.

I know this may sound somewhat, or absolutely crazy talk because even I'm not sure if i'll be able to do this but I've come to realize alot about myself through my blogs. The fact that every blog I write is somehow geared towards my future, unintentionally happens to be- all the time! Ofcourse I never think there are any viewers out there in blogger land but as with every blogger, there is always someone reading. Even if it's for that one person who gets a bit of inspiration, as I have through this movie. I will take my challenge.

When I first decided to start this blog: liveproductively, it was actually an idea I had been seasoning and harboring for a period of time. I envisioned it to be a blog where I could encourage my readers on daily inspiring stories or motivational outlooks on life. When I think back to my days in high school when I was going through my parent's divorceS left and right, I blogged myself through it all- the emotions, the painful loneliness, the confusions, the let downs, the hopes and the abandonment. So starting liveproductively I was already enthralled at the idea that I can and will make a difference in someone's life, even if it was mine. Through the power of God at work within me that leads me to even write, of course! =)

So with today being the first day of 2010, let the journey begin!

-live productively!