Growing Up.. Moving Onward..

"The most important of life's battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chambers of the soul."

These days there are many things within my soul that I am battling against. It's as if I'm finding who i really am and conjuring up enough strength to finally be able to accept the things that were once out of my control.. It's as if now I am able to control my pains and hurts so that they wouldn't allow me to disable myself to be able to love and be loved in return. I have been coming face to face with, i'd like to call.. the one, who lives in the dark crevice inside me. She's the one that became a grown up, prematurely, leaving her feeling abandoned by her youth and from those that the world says, would love her. I write about love that is unconditional, i write about healing, i write about pains, i write about so many diverse areas of my life. This phase of my life that I'm transitioning into is probably going to be the toughest part. I knew that one day i'm going to have to face the truth. The truth of the fact that no matter how dysfunctional i grew up, no matter what i saw growing up, it all happened.. for a reason.. that reason, i do not know of quite yet.. but im sure it's for the very reason that will help me walk again from my crippled self. the extremities that came with growing up, i surely did not sign up for, but somehow was placed into my hands. Am i thankful? not much, but when i am affirmed by how i've somehow helped another being.. then those moments are the times when I become grateful for them struggles that i've faced.. yet the 12 yr old me is the one that is still crippled inside. It's only at those times when i let anyone come to a close viscinity of me where the things that are being spoken or the feelings that im feeling, reminds me of anything that has happened in the past with my family, i automatically mutate into my 12 year old self cramped up in my room, listening to my parents argue and praying that it's not what i think they're arguing about. i picture the time when we found our empty car with all my mothers belongings but no mom to be found. i dont know why i'm automatically taken back to these moments every time i fear that another being has the ability to scar me.. maybe this is my first step to going back to an overdue 12 years. retracing the hurts that have been poured into me and being able to finally pull the plug, letting those hurts pour out so that new blessings can finally flow into me. I can finally grow up now.. healthy and maturely.. being who i am today and accepting.. that i am loved and able to love, in return.. all in due time..

-live productively