The Cold Truth

"It doesn't matter what you do. It doesn't matter where you go. It doesn't matter what you accomplish. It doesn't matter how many (or how few) friends you have. It doesn't even matter how much money you have. Nor, for that matter, does it matter what you know or what you understand- or what you think you understand. What matters is how much you are ENJOYING YOURSELF...

Ask yourself these questions: Are you glad to be alive? Is the day brining you pleasure or pain? September delivers a chance for you to spend more time doing whatever brings you the most satisfaction. What matters more than that?" -Taurus Horoscope.. what a bright future to look forward to~

*** This is what I read today in a magazine titled: ALL*YOU.. it's pink, girly, magazine contains makeup suggestions, cooking recipes that have to do with the summer, it's ALL ME! So the magazine also included horoscopes like every magazine does. I don't really pay attention to horoscopes but read it for fun here and there to see if it has any amusing words for me to be entertained by. Today's horoscope caught me off guard though, especially in regards to all the emotionally painstaking times that I have been enduring.. Last night, I had a chat with the mother of my 2 brothers. She brought into perspective the cold truth about accepting the fact that people separate, the fact that people leave, and the fact that.. sometimes, love changes.. at that moment when she was speaking those words i sensed this cold numbing feeling on my heart. What I was imagining was a picture of those renaissance movies where there's a steel maker pounding the steel chest plate with a hammer to make it stronger. I felt like that's what was happening with my heart. To become steel. To become cold. To be wary of being unharmed.. She set the reality that I shouldn't expect people to somehow understand what I am going through, or to somehow understand me. She used the example of how i will NEVER understand or be able to understand WHY my mom left me and my brother here and went to Korea to find a replacement family and raise 2 daughters like they were her own blood. Or as to WHY my dad was so cold enough to kick me out for a grueling 15 or so months without any word to a hand to offer any help but have the dignity to raise my brothers like they were me. REDEMPTION for their own souls, I'm guessing. I never knew how wounded I was until I started to allow myself to feel emotions that you don't really feel every day. It's the emotions that come when you allow another person to be trustworthy. I give out chances to be able to trust another human being. That risk I take comes with consequences, pain, disappointments, and hurts. I guess why I'm writing this blog regarding this matter is because I haven't quite fully come to understand and accept. But I feel like I'm close. Close to fully grasping the concept to finally accept what has happened. Grow into a stronger person and be able to FORGIVE what has happened, forgive the person who caused the pains and be able to allow myself to finally find peace. Peace to Love and Peace to accept and Peace to Live life.. FREELY.. until then, i'm still a prisoner of not Askaban but of my wounds..

fully live, warmly love and wholly forgive..

-live productively