Trials, Tribulations, Thorns...

Sometimes I feel as if my life would be so much better if I died right now. But then again if I died today i wouldn't have a life to live any more. Therefore i must be happy for my life as of now. Sometimes Death sounds lovely. It's more lovelier to not handle certain situations because it's the easy way out. Most of the time people like me want the easy way out. It's all I know. If someone isn't being good to you, just leave. If the relationship is not working, just break up. It's hard as F@#% to stick with another human being when all your life all you've seen is your parents just divorce thru papers, not working out their love for each other just because they aren't the person that you thought they were in the first place. I blame what I saw growing up on my current relationship right now. I am in turmoil with my emotions. They just float around like clouds in the sky. A plethora of anger aggrevates my soul and haunts me to sleep. I know I should find solutions to my anger issues that I try to hide away in the dark little crevaces that no one can see or touch but when someone gets too close somehow that anger that was so hidden starts to creep up and haunt me. It comes up on me like a dark shadow that comes upon the sky when the clouds start turning gloomy. As dark as all this may sound my soul yearns for one thing. my heart yearns for one thing. my mind and body yearns for one thing. PEACE. Sometimes our body acts out with this anger and the most common thing to do is hurt.. not others but thy self. Sometimes both. Sometimes none at all. sometimes our bodies just become a furnace of anger it's like fire that rages and burns a house down. That is exactly what my anger does to me sometimes. It burns my whole insides sometimes i feel like my anger is eating away at my intestines and my organs. Sometimes i feel like everything that comes out of my mouth is fire that anyone standing close enough could and most likely will get burned. I'm working on this as this was the main topic of yesterdays Sermon. If we don't deal with the guilt and shame inside the likely result will be anger. I don't know how to go past step 1. It's as if my life has become a revolving cycle of emotions that never fade away. Is there ever going to be happiness that meets me during the time that I am alive? Will I ever find security? Will I ever be stable enough to handle men and what they have to bring into my life? All these questions that float around inside my mind that control my emotions. I am so

I NEED GOD....