and that it's okay..
it's an overwhelming concept. but so beautiful at the same time.
am i the only one who feels this way? i've been in denial for so long but i'll admit it, i'm a control freak! i've always grown up with the mentality that everything has to be under my control. people have to be the way i want them to be in my mind. things have to work out in my timing. this is why i always have such a hard time in relationships, friendships and accepting the concept of grace. growing up being raised by my father, i can't help but to have unconsciously picked up habits, patterns and traits from him. i'm tired of being the person that i so wish not to be like. it takes A lot of work breaking out of this mold that i grew up in. i have to force myself to see myself, this mold that i am and decide for myself that i don't want to be like this anymore. it's not as easy as it sounds. change happens one word, act, thought, gesture, motive, at a time. for me not to continue on in these harmful traits, change must happen at the core of who i am.
It's a big leap! It's kind of like comparing this leap to taking a jump off of a cliff and into the crashing waves beneath. You know you're scared to death at the thought of what could go wrong. Will you make it out alive? The fear is mainly at the thought of taking that jump. The rest is just unpredictable. The closer you step towards the ledge the more doubt starts creeping in begging you with mercy not to take that leap. Your heart starts racing so fast it's about to pounce out of your chest. You start breathing faster at the thought of jumping. But there's this moment where you just decide to throw everything off the ledge, along with your body! You say, "Here goes Nothing!" and you take that leap of faith and jump. Adrenaline rush, yes. Going against your fears, yes. Totally worth it? heck YEAH! (altho in real life, i don't know if i could actually jump.. i'd like to think that this kind of a leap is greater than the actually leap itself? but that's just me..)
so often i question if it was my parents sin or my sin that my life was and is the way that it is. one story that I can totally relate to is with the man born blind described in John 9. Scripture reads, "His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?' 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John9:2,3) Growing up I always just knew that God had my back. I knew that everything I went through had a purpose. Well going through the traumatic events at the time was no fun but through God's grace I came out alive! and with purpose! and in victory! with the assurance that I am a new person now, I don't have to fall prey by being a victim of my past any more because my past is part of me but it's not me. I know that the person I was in the past, someone like my dad and the old man still creeps around inside me and when triggered she leaks out. But it's a daily battle. while I'm still human and until the day I am perfected in the light of God's glory, I form my mind and heart to submit unto Christ, being like Jesus on a daily basis. slowly i'm coming to see that not everything will always make sense. and that it's okay that I don't understand because I trust God. His peace, that surpasses my limited understand, is so much more than enough to sustain me with boldness to take that leap of faith into healing and making it out alive to tell about it, "so that the work of God might be displayed in my life" HERE GOES NOTHING! whoo hoo! *JUMP!*
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus"
-Philippians 4:7
-Live Productively
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