when the road ahead seems hopeless and life just seems surreal, i pray that for those of you who feel this way will find strength within the shadow of His love. i know how it feels to be at a place of complete brokenness where there are no words to say because of anger, denial, grief and the pain that so lurks within. you'd do whatever in your means to just take that feeling of hurt from ever coming back. you do all you can to stop thinking about it, not talk about it.. so you drink it away, snort it away, inhale it away, drop it away, sell your emotions away just to replace your pain with some other temporary means of substance to do you well for the day. it's a tough tough tough place to be. feeling so empty inside that you almost feel hollow at times. i can recall days where I felt like a cloud of darkness completely surrounded me. that feeling of dark depression, sadness and a grieving spirit that just became my greatest fear .... the fear of myself. you'd do whatever in your reach to take away the pain but a part of you is so used to the pain that you unconsciously try bringing that pain back just to make yourself feel like you're alive. the pain that hurts almost brings a sense of comfort knowing that there's a part of me that deserves the pain of being abandoned and alone. self inflicting, abusing drugs & alcohol, abusing my body, abusing my emotions. living a life that's controlled completely by self gratification and the lust of my flesh. living a life that is completely opposite from the way that you &I were made to live- a life of love & comfort, nourished, nurtured, protected, controlled, happy...... this sounding a bit surreal?
doesn't have to be.
i've come to fully grasp my full potential of completely seeing myself for who I really am and being wholly made alive in Christ. He heals, he restores and he brings to life one that was once dead. Ofcourse I also had to do my part in this healing process. I had to allow myself to get better. I had to force myself to sit through therapy and talk my way out of my issues. I had to face fears that I didn't want to face & was never able to face in the past and I was able to weed out all the negative, painful, scary realities from the past and accept them for what they are. THE PAST. I also had to go back and see the girl left brutally hurt and mistreated by the ones who were supposed to love her, comfort her and provide her protection from any means of harm. But the ones who were supposed to protect from harm were the very ones who did the harming, my mother & father. I wouldn't have found freedom, wholeness and completeness if it wasn't for Christ who set me free. But because of Jesus, I have found the means to be made whole, to be completely loved so that I can love others and be loved in the ways that I so rightfully deserve. He has proved that to me and for this, I am eternally grateful.
be made well. be made alive. be who you were intended to be, completely yourself.. Lay your burdens down, it's about time
FIND GOD. FIND YOURSELF
-Live Productively
No comments:
Post a Comment