It's. About. Time

After my last counseling session I couldn't seem to digest well the things that were shown before me. So for the past week I've had a pile of REALITY just laid out in front of me and slowly I'm starting to pick up each piece of reality and organize it into my mental bookshelf, as you can say. I've shut myself closed from any socialization bc I just didn't want to speak to anyone about the things that were going on inside. It's then that I started to question why I had detached myself from human contact. I had to go back to the root of the problem and see that bc I wanted to detach myself from the emotions that rise up from the things that are stirring up inside I just thought that I didn't need any help but I'm seeing that it's not about allowing people to help me but having people there for me comforting and supporting me while I go through the emotions. It's a battle that I'm fighting, every day. Against myself.

Lyndon Johnson once said, "Every [wo]man is trying to either live up to his[her] father's expectations or make up for his[her] father's mistakes."

The moment I walked into my psychologist office I had a set of expectations that I wanted to leave therapy with. Some being: becoming a whole version of myself, not being so dependent on other people for my happiness and lastly but the most important was to be healed of my past and not let it shackle my present and future. Every therapy session actually allows me to stretch beyond where I'm already at. It moves me out of my comfort zones and pushes me into new terrains that I've never been before. I also come face to face with REALITY for what it is and my idealized version of reality starts to disappear. Scary? OH you bet ya! but I'm coming to see that I'm a whole lot more of myself and not myself co-incided with the image of my Father, I don't feel that voided feeling as I normally would feel. I have a sense of liberation. I'm more free seeking wholly for God's truths to be bestowed into my heart and upon my life, for his love to fulfill me sufficiently. Which leads me to independency. I stopped looking to people to be reliable for my happiness. I have come to see that there are certain things that I must take care of MYSELF, like finding my own happiness. As well as healing from my past and the pains left behind from my Father. This past session was the most difficult to digest bc I came to see my Father for who he is. All the pain from my mom's abandoning me + my father who caused them to leave and trying to intertwine the two was the most difficult. I'm still in the process of digesting this but it's REAL, it's how it is and I'm seeing it. It's a brutally painful process and a lot of tears and emotional effort is being invested but through this I know the outcome will be WELL worth it. In life, sometimes the only way out is through.

"A key component of growth is GRACE.

Enough grace to open up and bring things into the light & be healed"

"Beauty instead of ashes. A garment of praise instead of a Spirit of Despair"

-Isaiah 61:3-

-Live Productively