in the process of transitioning..

As I continue on my days where I'm expecting myself to change.. i can see it happen- GRADUALLY... It's funny how much 'expectation' plays a part in my life. Expectations that I expect from myself. There has been more frequently than before, times where I'm caught in a place where I'm able to see the person that I am, something I've never been able to do before. What I mean by this is, I've always found my image and self worth through validating myself through other people. I always thought that the person that I am was who I was but it actually wasn't ME. I saw this fact to be true by a counseling session I had last week. We were discussing how in time I'm going to have to start dating again. I had told my psychologist during that same session that I'm scared to date again bc of the fear that all this work that i've been putting in by building independence is going to be snatched away by this man who comes into my life and I'll lose myself, again.. I've always had a problem with being TOO selfless whether it was passing up going to college FOR MYSELF for the sake of giving myself to raising my brothers or whether it was being TOO selfless in relationships by giving up my wants for the sake of HIS needs in the fear of him/my parents leaving me.. A time after high school, I put off going straight to college FOR MYSELF so that I could help raise my brothers so that my parents could work so they wouldn't fight anymore and the fear of them divorcing wouldn't even be a factor. That's when my psychologist asked me this question that changed my whole views of my past: "so did you save your parents marriage? did he end up staying?"... then my whole self crumbled as I answered, "no..."


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This realization has been a long time coming but finally has come. The realization that just because I give my whole self to another person whether it's my brothers, dad, mom, boyfriend, or even friends.. doesn't hold me responsible for them leaving my life.. I always thought that if I could give everything of myself and be completley selfless then I could keep people from leaving.. but I've come to fully grasp the concept that: Sometimes in Life people come into our lives & sometimes they leave but there is always a reason why our lives intertwine.. in the end, I'm still- ME


I guess this process of transitioning of seeing myself for who I really am has come bc of my frequent prayer times with God. A couple of nights ago God gave me a vision where I saw myself, blindfolded in front of a mirror and God said to me, 'when I take off your blindfold, tell me what you see'.. so he then took off my blindfold and as I looked into the mirror I immediately said, 'I DON'T SEE ANYTHING...' I couldn't tell him what I saw bc I really couldn't see anything. At that moment when he looked at me, he gently told me, 'in time my daughter, i will allow you to see yourself as how I see you'.. when he said those gentle words to me I knew by the way he was looking at me that he was gazing into an image of a beautiful woman that I have yet to see.. not quite there yet but I'm really close, still in the process of transitioning...


Esther Lim

-Live Productively